Diary Entry # 9: Breaking Down

June 2, 2009

Diary Entry # 9: Breaking Down

 

Why?

 

What did I do wrong?

 

I did everything… Everything for him… Everything to please him…

 

Why did he want to break up with me?

 

I feel so worthless. So useless…

 

Everything I did… It all went to nothing…

 

Carl… I loved Carl. Loved him with all my life, heart and soul.

 

But why? Why did he want to leave me? What did I do wrong?

 

It hurts. It hurts so much.

 

I just want to keep drifting away into sleep. Doon di ko na mararamdaman ang sakit. Doon di ko na mararamdaman ang gutom. Doon di ko na mararamdaman ang lungkot. Doon, kaya kong makasama si Carl habangbuhay.

 

Sa panaginip… Sa mundong iyon ko lang kayang mabuhay ngayon.

 

Kaya sana naman… wag nyo na akong gisingin pa…

 

I kept my eyes closed as the darkness began to settle down my window. Yes… the darkness… it is beginning to claim my soul as well.

 

Suddenly, a familiar voice shouted from outside my room. “Mika?”

 

No… Please… Don’t wake me up anymore… Please… I want to remain asleep…

 

“Mika! Are you alright? Speak to me!”

 

No… No… No! Let me sleep, Leo. Let me sleep.

 

“Mika. You need to eat! I won’t let you starve to death.”

 

I tried to keep my eyes shut, but the tears stained my pillow even before I was able to stop it. “You! It’s all your damn fault Leonard Arrevallo! Ikaw… Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit kami nag-hiwalay ni Carl!” I screamed.

 

“I don’t understand what you mean, Mikaela. But please, come out of that room now and eat.”

 

“Stop playing innocent with me, Leo. Please! I’m sick of it! Alam mo ba? Alam mo ba na sobra sobrang nag-seselos si Carl sa iyo? Kasi kahit na anong gawin ko… kahit na anong pilit ko… hindi pa rin kita makalimutan, Leo. Hindi ko kaya… Lagi na lang ikaw ang nasa isip ko. Lagi na lang ikaw ang inaalala ko. Hindi naman dapat ganun eh! Carl was right. I should be thinking about him. I should be worrying for him. Pero ano to? Ikaw pa rin ang pangalang sinasabi ko tuwing magkausap kami sa telepono. Lagi ko na lang siya kinukumpara sa iyo… Lagi na lang akong ‘Leo, Leo, Leo’… Ikaw… Ikaw ang dahilan  kung bakit niya ako iniwan. Kung bakit niya sinabi na di niya deserve ang isang katulad ko. Ikaw yun, Leo. Ikaw ang dahilan kung bakit umiiyak ako ng ganito! Kaya naman, Leo… Please… Leave me alone!!!”

 

“What a stupid thing to say, Mikaela!” Leo yelled.

 

I swore. “Ano bang alam mo, Leo? Ha? Hindi naman ikaw ang nawalan eh. Hindi naman ikaw ang nasaktan. Hindi naman ikaw ang nagmahal ng sobra sobra. Ano?! Leo?! Di ka na rin makasagot ano? Kasi yun naman ang totoo eh!”

 

“Shut up and listen to me!” he screamed. Natahimik ako. It was the first time I hear him scream. “I know how you feel, Mikaela. Because I had felt it. I had and still am feeling it! Can’t you see? I’m still suffering for the love that I had lost. For the girl whom I noticed way too late! Did you know why I never confessed to you before, Mikaela? It’s not because of that stupid childish promise we made to each other. No! Because I could easily forget about that promise and tell you right away how much I feel for you. But I didn’t. Why? Because I knew that you would always be there for me. Because I knew that you wouldn’t give your heart just to anybody. But look at you now! Crying for someone who didn’t deserve your love in the first place!”

 

“I LOVE CARL AND CARL LOVES ME TOO!!!”

 

“IF HE LOVES YOU HE WOULDN’T BE LETTING YOU CRY LIKE THIS! But where is your knight in shining armor now, huh? Mika? Where is he? At home! Thinking about you and how he had made you cry. But then what, Mika? Does he do something about it? NO! He lets you cry there like a sick puppy while he moves on with his life!”

 

“Shut up.”

 

“And what will happen if I shut up, Mika? What will happen? Will it be the end of the world? Will Carl come here and beat me up? Will things be okay between the two of you? Come on, Mika! You’re a lot smarter than that to know that nothing… I mean Nothing… will ever happen or change even if I do shut up!”

 

“Shut up!”

 

“Wake up, Mika! Carl never loved you. If he did, he would have accepted you for who you are! But look at yourself! Constantly running after him and obeying what he wants like an obedient puppy. My God, Mikaela! You were never this obedient even to your own parents! And where has all your ‘labor of love’ gone to? Huh? NOWHERE! That’s where! Nowhere! Nowhere but here inside your room crying your heart out until your whole body dehydrates and withers away! Just look at yourself! You are so pathetic! The Mikaela that I know would never stoop so low!”

 

“I SAID SHUT UP!!!”

 

Sa wakas tumigil na rin sa pagkonsensya si Leo. Pero yung mga luha ko, di pa rin tumitigil. I’m confused. Everything that Leo had said… They were the truth. The truth that still, up to now, I refuse to believe.

 

“Please… Just…” I sniffed. “Just leave me alone, Leo… Please…”

 

“Let’s go, Gerald.” Slowly, I heard his footsteps walk away.

 

I could hear Din-din arguing with him in the background. “Aalis na tayo, Fafa? Paano na si Mikaela? Huy! Ano ba? Kausapin mo naman ako…”

 

I hugged my pillow tighter and let the tears flow.

 

Stupid! Stupid! Stupid! Ang tanga ko talaga! Bakit ko ba ginawa yun?! Now… Now even Leo has walked away. Now I’m all alone.

 

And I realize that it’s all my fault. Every single one of it.