Diary Entry # 6: Disappointments

I called Carl as promised. He wasn’t exactly that happy to hear that I had talked to Leo and he thought that I would leave him now that Leo has confessed his feelings for me. It made me feel awful. Very awful. Akala ba niya ginamit ko lang siya bilang panakip butas? Hindi. Hindi yun ganun.

I love Carl. With all the love I could have given Leo if he wasn’t too late. If he took time to notice me. To put his stupid pride aside. To admit that he was feeling the emotions he never thought was possible.

But he was too late. Someone had already caught me while he was busy looking somewhere else.

And so I told Carl that I am not going to betray him. That he would have to trust me. Na kaya ko lang naman sinabi sa kanya ay dahil gusto kong maging honest sa kanya, hindi dahil gusto kong pagselosin sya o kung ano man.

To my relief, he understood. Carl gave me permission to go to the awarding ceremony basta kasama siya. Sinabi ko ito agad kay Leo, pero sabi niya dalawa lang ang tickets niya. Isa para sa Mommy niya at isa para sa akin. Naisip na lang namin na baka pwedeng makipagkita na lang kami sa kanya outside the auditorium. But after considering the time and the schedule, it seems that it would be impossible for all of us to meet that day. I just told him that we would try to make it.

“Let go, Mikaela. You don’t really have to force yourself to come. Let it go. I would… I would understand.” He said. “Thank you… for everything, Mikaela. Goodbye.”

I whispered my goodbye at the handset, even if I knew that he was already gone.

And with that, it was all over.

Pinalaya na ako ni Leo. It was as if he didn’t want me to think about him anymore and that he understands that I am already committed and that I shouldn’t be talking to him again.

It’s hard. Really hard.

I know I do not feel that love that I felt for him a long time ago. That I am totally over him and is now moving on with my life. But I also know that I had hurt him, and it hurts to admit that I was the one who was the source of his pain.

And that there is nothing that I could do about it…

But move on…